


Ardour (There's a World Outside These Walls)

by centroid



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 15k, AU, Angst, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Asexual Phil, Bartender!Phil, Bisexual Dan, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Arophobia, M/M, Other, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Soulmates, Slurs, Wordcount: Over 10.000, breif mentions of violence, dan gets punched, little bit sad, small fantastic beats spoiler but only if you squint, youtuber!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-09-21 06:20:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9535604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centroid/pseuds/centroid
Summary: Dan’s facade crumbled. His breathing was the first to go, leaving his lungs with short gasps of air. He brought his hands up to press the heels of his palms into his eye sockets as tears trekked down his cheeks. Dan’s romantic life was always covered in a veil of sorrow, but never once had he cried over it. Never once did he let his walls down and just weep. Dan was relieved, so relieved but at the same time he was in despair. It was as if his fate had been set in stone, finalizing that he was and would forever be alone. In a world with its foundation dug heel toe into romance, he was someone who had to go without.*They flew down the street, not stopping for the howling they heard or the screeching of crows. In the blur of darkness, it looked almost as if the greenery around them had come alive and was running with them. The dimension in the trees that would have symbolized leaves while stationary now looked like snakes of vines chasing them down the long and windy road. A smile broke out on Phil’s face. He could see how someone would get addicted to that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know, i know dan was taller than phil in 2013 (and by that i mean when dan was 22 and phil was 26) I dont care, let me have my way. I like short dan. Dan is 5’8 in this or something idk fight me. Also when i talk about dan and phil doing things that actually took place in earlier years, like the first pinof, or moving in together, just think of it with the recent d&p but their ages are younger and dan is shorter... bc this is an au. 
> 
> please enjoy!

Ardour- (n.) _feelings of great warmth and intensity_

 

Dan walked up to his locker and immediately saw a white piece of paper peeking out of the door. His heart flipped and the smallest drop of anxiety ran into his blood. He quickly turned the lock entering his passcode _08-97-05._ He threw open the door, watching as the note fluttered down to rest upon his feet. Opening the paper revealed it was a _love note_ , and he wondered what to do. He knew the girl it was from, and it was admittedly quite flattering.

At the ripe age of seventeen, Dan had never experienced love. He was a very friendly boy, and most people were fond of him, but never _love._ _Not yet,_ He would tell himself, because seventeen was far too young to experience love.

The next day, the same girl walked beside him on the way to their shared biology class. The girl was funny, Dan had to admit- there was never a dull moment when he was around her. So, when she stopped them right before entering the classroom to whisper a hushed “ _will you date me?_ ” He said yes. Dan never took notice of how he never felt butterflies, and his heart only sped up due to anxiety.

He soon realized their feelings did _not_ amount to the same level. They hung out almost every day after school, and although she was a pleasure to be around, their expectations didn’t meet. She was a hopeless romantic and Dan was... not. He hurriedly assured himself he did like her, and the feelings would show themselves soon enough.

He was overwhelmed-and guilt was flowing through his blood. Nothing in his life had changed recently other than his new relationship, so that was the only real answer. Every time he thought about the fact he was dating her, he felt a pang of guilt surge through him. It made him want to cry, if he was honest. He decided a breather would do him good.

At three am, he quietly stepped outside into the nippy air, his bare feet seeming to hiss at the cool ground. Dan smiled as he took in the cold concrete and dark atmosphere. It was his favorite. He walked to the end of his driveway with a skip in his step, pausing before setting foot on the street. _Did he really wanna do this? What if his mum found out?_

Dan looked up to the sky, and all his worries vanished. If she did find out, he’d just tell her the same thing he did when he was young. “ _Mum, I love you more than all nine planets and space put together!”_ He would laugh. Once, when Pluto was deemed a dwarf planet and no longer apart of the solar system, his mum would ask him if Pluto still counted in his love for her. He would smile a toothy grin, quoting his mum’s favorite book. “ _A person is a person, no matter how small.”_ Maybe it didn’t make sense, but it did to them. He smiled at the fond memory and he tilted his head forward to start walking. He took a tentative step out onto the pavement, and he looked back at the front door of his house, like his mother would _know_ and burst through the doors yelling at him. He shook off the feeling, realising it was stupid. He started down the street with a slow walk, almost as if he was trying to go reluctantly- so if he changed his mind, he could turn back. The farther he got from his family home, the more free he felt. By the end of his street, he was fast walking. He decided to turn down a long road that stemmed off their own. It led into another town- but no harm no foul. Once he got onto the eerie street, it felt like there was presence all around him. It felt as if the forest that lined the street had come alive, and instead of feeling creeped out, he smiled, dimples and all. _This_ is what he lived for. He broke out into jog, feeling the wind brush against his skin like ghost’s breath. Dan steadily started picking up speed, and soon enough he was sprinting down the middle of the uneven street, basking in the feeling it gave him. It was like driving with the windows open in the middle of February. It sent the same rush up his spine into his brain, and soon he was laughing along with the sound of the wind in his ear. He came upon a field with a tree in the middle, and he stopped to take in the scene. He slowly walked into the open land, not paying mind to the warning sign that read ‘police take notice’. As Dan walked, he felt happiness and exhilaration surge through his veins. He twirled around while looking at the stars a couple times, not caring that it made him dizzy. He approached the tree, and the branches reminded him of the whomping willow from _Harry Potter._ Instead of being creeped out, the brunette climbed to the top of the spindly tree, settling on a branch near the top. He turned his head skyward, sighing as he physically felt the tension from his bones leaving him.

Dan didn’t go back to his house for another three hours.

 

The brunette felt horrible still being with her two months later. His attempts were making thin progress, and he felt a weight on his heart every time he whispered back an _I love you._ They broke up shortly after, and Dan kept saying “I can’t give you what you deserve”, because it was true. The brunette brushed the failed attempt off his shoulder after minimal mourning, and continued on unfazed.

*

Two years then passed without any other person Dan could call his own, because - to be quite honest, he wasn’t looking. He never really felt why people so desperately wanted a significant other. He could understand having someone around, but couldn’t friends satisfy that loneliness? Dan knew the trope of love and meeting _the one_ . He was sure that someday he would meet the person he was destined to be with, and that would be it. He didn’t see the point in being with someone just to _be with someone_. It seemed unnecessary and like it would cause more harm then good.

Not soon after, he met Devin. The other boy had gotten Dan’s number from a mutual friend, so they started talking, and Dan enjoyed every conversation. Devin was funny, witty, and always ready with a joke up his sleeve. Dan had been texting Devin back and forth one friday night when Devin brought it up.

**_‘So, we’ve been talking for a while now, how about we go on a first date?’_ **

Dan was startled, dropping his phone almost immediately. His heart pounded with nervousness and he shakily brought his hand to his neck, feeling his pulse. He needed to chill. He hadn't realized they were _talking_ , talking. There was never a single hint of flirting, no obvious hints that gave it away. Then again, his friend Louise always did say he was as oblivious as a brick. And Devin was amazing to be around. Dan wanted to be close to Devin, physically and emotionally. He wouldn’t mind being with Devin constantly, and he wanted to feel a _closeness_ with the boy. He thought that was the feeling that everyone swooned over, and Dan smiled.

 _‘_ ** _I’d love to :)’_ ** Dan replied, and tentatively smiled while he put down his phone and closed his eyes.

Dan and Devin ended up staying together for over a year. In that time, Dan shared many things with the other boy. He also learned many things. He learned that kissing was rather useless. He learned it felt like slippery slimy skin gliding over each other, and as much as he tried to focus on it, he couldn’t get lost in the feeling. He didn’t understand how people got aroused by it. That was another thing he learned- sex was completely different. It was highs and lows and it was an addicting exhilaration Dan had never experienced before. He was infatuated with the feeling, and Dan wanted more. It was easy to mistake the feeling of lust with love, and the brunette had fallen into its clutches.

When it ended, it was because Devin was sure Dan wasn’t in love with him. Devin had said love was butterflies and his heart racing- none of which Dan shared. When Devin had been describing the feelings, Dan obliviously staired with a smile of fondness overtaking his features. Devin was just so _easy_ to be with, and he loved it. He loved being close with people- but there was no swooning and no butterflies. It felt like friendship.

They were hanging out the day it ended.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you think it would be beneficial if we saw other people?” Devin spoke tentatively, walking on a thin layer of ice, not being sure what was underneath.

“What do you mean? Why?” He looked down, playing with his frayed jumper. He suddenly felt insecure, the only feeling being that he wasn’t good enough. Nervousness clawed at the inside of his stomach, tearing their way through to the surface.

“I don’t think our feelings match, Dan. It’s not good to stay with you when you clearly don’t love me back.”

“What the hell? Yes I do!”

“No, Dan, you don’t. Maybe it’s just love being over portrayed but you don’t have any of the-” Devin struggled to word his thoughts, his hands gesturing wildly to convey his meaning. “The _symptoms_.”

“What?”

“Like- you don’t look at me lovingly. You look at me like a friend. You-”

“You are my friend!”

“I’m your boyfriend, Dan. _Partner.”_

“How the fuck am I supposed to look at you different, that doesn’t make sense!” Dan was sputtering himself, at a loss for words. What else was the want to be near Devin, what else was the lustful attraction, the emotional connection? It had to be love.

“I don’t know Dan, but there’s something off. You don’t love me Dan. It’s all wrong.” Devin was visibly agitated, and maybe he had been harsh, because something resembling a string snapped inside Dan, and he wasn’t able to do anything. He stared at his bedsheet in silence. Even his mind followed, going completely blank. He heard the door to his bedroom shut, and he could feel the pity his family was giving him through the walls. He didn’t want their consolation. He wanted to think. So he threw open his window and left to go to the tree down the old windy road.

At some point that night, Dan figured he should have been sad. But he wasn’t. He felt a weight off his shoulders but a new one pressed on harder. Dan was upset he possibly lost Devin as a friend, but that was all. _If that hadn’t been love, what was?_

*

By the age of twenty, Dan learned to play people like a violin. He had gone through the all too familiar motions of relationships so many times and he knew which strings to pluck until they were melting in his hands. He tried as hard as he could, but he never felt anything other than lust. Dan had always been blind to the negative effects it could have on people, and he continued on unfazed. Dan had a charm about him, an obvious allure that caught people and dragged them in. He wasn’t overly seductive, or provocative. He was genuine, because meeting people was always fun, even if they never stuck around. In fact, he was meeting up with a guy that day, and he felt the slight nerves he always did, but as soon as the man got into Dan’s car, all his nerves dissipated. Dan knew why he was there. It was a hook up, a quick fuck and then they would never see each other again. They quickly made their way back to Dan’s flat, and the second they made it past the threshold there were clothes being shed. The boy- Terence- seemed to like kissing, and Dan frowned slightly as he pulled his mouth away for what seemed like the thousandth time.

“What, you don’t like kissing?” Terrence said, smirking.

“Ah- no, not particularly.” Dan stammered, normally not being confronted about his avoidance.

“Next thing you know you’re gonna say you don’t wanna cuddle after.” Terence chuckled, diving for Dan’s neck and sucking the skin there.

Dan grimaced, _shit._ He _did_ hate cuddling with people he hooked up with, but he couldn’t say that now, so instead he laughed lightly in response. Normally the only person he cuddled with was Louise, being the only close enough friend he had that he was comfortable with the close proximity. With Lou it never felt like anything weird, it was simple and completely innocent and just _normal_ . With people he hooked up with, it felt too strained, too awkward- _too close._ He needed some kind of balance and sex with people threw off it entirely. And he didn’t like strangers touching him beyond that was necessary.

After their session ended, Terence tucked himself close into Dan’s chest, but the brunettes mind was reeling on possible ways he could get out the situation. Just as he was about to accept the awkward parting of ‘ _I have to go, I left my dog at my friends’_ , his phone rang.

He reached over to his bedside table to see Louise’s name and picture lighting up his phone screen. He awkwardly mumbled that he had to take the call, and got out of bed as he answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey! How is my favorite bisexual doing?”

“Um pretty good,” He mumbled, making his way out onto his tiny balcony. He closed the door behind him. “You kinda caught me in a pinch.”

“Another hookup doesn’t wanna leave?” She immediately said, and Dan blushed. “You tend to do that to people. Your charm brings them in, but you never want them to stay.” She finished, sounding distracted, like it was obvious to anyone that saw how Dan interacted. “You should hang out with friends more.” The brunette opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. She was right. A least partly. “Well either way, I’m coming over so just tell them that your sister’s stopping by, something they have to leave for.” She stated, and Dan agreed- silently thanking her.

Not soon after, they hung up. Dan sighed, looking up to see a gorgeous sunset. It had the most beautiful blue tinted clouds with oranges and reds surrounding it. The undertone of purple complimented it all, and Dan let his breath leave him. He looked harder to see stars and moon just starting to peek through- he wanted to cry at its elegance. It was times like this that he wished he was an artist, or even a photographer. He wished he could capture the beauty in things, but instead he was left to uselessly watch as it disappeared into the cloak of night.

The glass door opened, and Dan tore his eyes away to see Terence looking at him with a small smile.

“Watching the sunset without me?” He laughed, and Dan chuckled. He was always good at pretending, this was no different to him.

“Yeah, sorry. My sister called so I came out here. Didn’t wanna make you overhear family matters.” Louise wasn’t even his sister, he didn’t have a sister. He felt the brush of guilt on the inside of his heart, but he squished it down.

“Is anything wrong?” Terence asked, and he looked distantly concerned.

“No, she just told me she was stopping by in a little bit.”

“Oh, well then in that case I'll get going.” Terence said without much thought. Apparently he had come outside to smoke a cigarette, but he put it back in the carton and went back inside. Dan wished he could indulge himself in the other man, but he knew he couldn’t. It wouldn’t work, and it would only end up hurting both of them with the pre-failed romance attempt. Dan stood awkwardly at the kitchen counter while Terence went to the bedroom and gathered his things. Their following goodbye was awkward, and Terence looked like he wanted to say more, but he left silently.

Dan decided to shower, knowing Louise had a key and could let herself in when she arrived. Dan thought back to once when he was talking about how he tried to fall in love so much but never could. She softly told him to stop doing what he did. She had sighed as she looked at him, saying ‘ _I know it’s hard on you too’_ . Although he never did stop, he had never thought about that. He was shocked she could tell that much- that she _cared_ that much. He had never realized it before. It _was_ hard on him. His self-esteem dwindled with each failed attempt, until he gave up and started hooking up with people for the sex alone. He normally kept with the same people, but they had boundaries set that they didn’t cross. The biggest one being romance.

Louise seemed to have known he was down, because when he got out of the shower he was presented with watermelon sherbert and Treasure Planet ready to be played. He smiled, kissing her cheek as he dove for the couch, making himself comfortable. He hit play and she joined a small amount of time later, silently sitting down with the bowl of popcorn she made herself.

She always did know how to cheer him up.

*

Dan was bored. By twenty-one, people were lacking his interest. For so long it was the invigoration of sex that kept him interested, but now that seemed to have lost its luster. He started interacting with people less, instead keeping to himself in his small apartment. He loved and loathed being alone. The freedom to speak when he wanted, do what he wanted was great- but there was a small hole where familiarity should have been.

One night, in the middle of a daze, he stumbled across Youtube. He knew the site, and he knew that it was quite popular for everyday people to make videos. A small idea popped into the back of his head. He _did_ know how to play piano. He saw people making vlogs about their everyday life. He wasn’t that interesting, but he could make funny, skit type videos as well- people always told him he was a good actor. He thought about it, and for some reason he felt compelled to just create. He could put his effort into something other than fruitless people, and he smiled at the distraction. He shakily signed up for the website, while buying a camera online.

It started paying off almost immediately. He made skits, funny videos and he gained a following rather quickly. Soon he was making money off it, so he quit his day job at a local store. He started getting stopped in public from people that knew videos, and he was surprised at how interactive it really was. He didn’t expect an ounce of _fame,_ let alone anything except for money.

It was the time every week where he did a liveshow, and he set up his laptop as he tweeted out the link. He fixed his hair as he went live, and started saying hello as people arrived to watch. “What should we talk about today guys?” He asked, reading things in the chat as they popped up. “Gabbie says a live Q&A. I mean, sure- I didn’t have anything planned. What do you guys wanna ask? Hit me.” Dan waited, making funny faces as people thought of questions. “‘Would you rather be four feet tall or eight feet tall?’ I would love to be taller, are you kidding me? Tower over everyone and be able to reach any shelf? Count me in, it would better than my current height of a whopping 5’8.” He said dramatically.

He started humming as he tried to find another good question. “‘What are your favorite animes?’ I’d have to say a couple. I mean- I could go on and on. I love _Attack on Titan_ \- a better question would be who _doesn’t_ . _Psychopass_ was amazing, talk about a mindfuck and a half.” He rolled his eyes, recalling the ending of the anime. “I just watched _Barakamon_ and I already started rewatching it. Death note is a classic fave. If you haven’t watched any of those, please do. They're _amazing_.” He finished, reading more comments. “‘Would you collab with Shane?’ If I get the chance to, yes!” He answered, looking through until he found one he loved. "Oh! I like this one. Levi asks, 'What is your favorite comfort music? and what do you do to de-stress from a rough day?' Well Levi, to be honest, classical. Very relaxing. Maybe thats my piano skill talking but either way-" He laughed. "And to de-stress I normally watch a show and drink some wine. Very fancy, I know."

Dan started picking random ones, answering them without a second thought. It was a very laid back Q&A, but he couldn’t complain. “‘Would you get a dog?’ No. I live in an apartment. I could get a fish, _maybe_ a cat, but not a dog. Ummmm- ‘Why is your love life sad?’” His stomach dropped. He said it outloud, he couldn’t back out. He laughed nervously. “Um, I don’t know, ask cupid.” Dan immediately scanned for something else to say. Suddenly people were asking about his love life, about why he was seen with new people all the time, why he wasn’t been dating, what his sexuality was. It needed to stop.

“Have you guys heard about Fantastic Beasts? I wanna go see it but I havn’t yet. Heard it was good.” He bit his lip. His heart was pounding in his ears, he could even feel it in his hands.

He only stayed on for twenty more minutes before giving up, ending the liveshow halfway through its normal timed length.

 *

Dan _needed_ to leave. He didn’t expect to see Sarah here, and for fucks sake he needed to _get out_ . She had asked if he was busy, and as his go to excuse, he said he family matters to attend to. Either he could ask the guy next to him to be his brother, or he had to find a way out of this problem. Dan hooked up with her once, from then on she was texting Dan, and the boy didn’t know what she wanted from him- but that didn’t excuse the fact Dan lied and said he was busy. His twenty-second birthday was last week, and as personal celebration he had been talking to people at the bar when he saw the blonde walk in. Sweat instantly pricked at the back of his spine. He was trying to keep himself invisible when someone caught his arm. _Fuck_. He spun his head, and was greeted with a strained jaw and glaring eyes.

“Hey! Sarah...” He tried to be upbeat, but the raise of the girls eyebrow told him she was not taking his shit.

“Family matters?” She hissed, and Dan cracked a sly smile, looking at her from under his lashes.

“Yeah, well-” He was cut off when her hand came to grip at his chest, pulling his shirt from his skin, exposing his collar.

“Are you kidding me?.” Sarah stated lowly and Dan gulped. _Shit._ “Wanna tell me why you’re screwing with me?” She snapped, her figure one of dominance and annoyance. “You fuck me and then try to disappear? Really? Toy with my feelings? That’s a dick move, Dan.”

“No! That’s not what I thought it was, I thought it was just like a hit and quit kinda thing!” Dan franticly tried to answer, not thinking about how his words would sound.

“We went on a date! What part of that is a hit and quit?” She yelled, exhausted. _They went on a date?_ “And I actually started to like you, too.” She huffed.

Dan was speechless. He threw his hands up in an attempt to call a truce. He was not trying to start anything.

“Excuse me-” Someone tried to interrupt their feud at the bar, but Dan noticed her impeccable boxing form as she brought up her fitsts- watching one come closer to his face, and pain exploded in his cheekbone. Tears stung at Dan’s eyes due to the impact, and the whole left side of his face instantly felt slightly numb. He was shocked. If his actions made her this mad, how many other people did he fuck over without realizing? How _clueless_ was he?

“I’m sorry but you’re gonna have to leave.” A stern voice said, and both he and Sarah looked up to see a tall man with black hair. He wore a white button up with cacti bordering the seams. Dan didn’t have time to dwell on it though, as he registered the meaning of the bartenders words.

Dan nodded minutely, turning in his chair to leave with his hand still cradling his jaw. He stared at Sarah’s shoes as he was reminded that she would probably rough him up more once they got outside.

“Wait! Not you, only her.” The same voice called out, and Dan looked up in surprise. He locked eyes with the bartender, and the man looked almost sad that Dan would think about leaving. He slowly made his way back to the bar, still fazed by the punch. His cheekbone was throbbing and he could feel the blood rushing into his eye socket- fuck, that was gonna be a black eye. Dan wouldn’t be able to make a video for at least a week, and he would have to ask Louise to cover it up for him. Dan subconsciously brought his hand up to touch the tender flesh as he sat back in his previous seat, not even caring that Sarah might have still been behind him. “Here, I’ll get you some ice for that.” The man said, and Dan feebly said ‘thank you’ in return.

When the bartender returned with ice and a water, Dan thanked him once more. He stared glumly at the woodwork in the bar, thinking in circles endlessly- _was he fucking with people all this time? He thought it was mutual, he thought that it was meant to be with no feelings. It was easy, he did it and never caught feelings._ Dan ignored the voice in the back of his mind that told him he was _not_ normal. _Actually, he never thought about it. It went from dating to fucking without any seam. The lines blurred and Dan didn’t know what he was doing. Now that he looks back on it, his original cause was to feel something, and somehow it morphed into a game where he fucked people and left without the slightest intention of something more. He barely gave his name to people he had sex with. Then again, they did normally try to get in contact with him, were they all searching for a relationship out of him? But he didn’t want anything more out of it. Fuck he’s so fucked why has he been doing this for so-_

“Excuse me? The bar is closing now.” Dan broke from his thoughts to look up, realizing the bar was completely empty except for him and the bartender.

“Oh shit- sorry. Kinda got caught up having an internal war.” He hollowly chuckled. He was always doing shit like this. A bar was no place to think for possible hours, what was he doing.

“No it’s fine. Actually, here’s my number- incase you need anything. I’ve never seen someone get sucked into their own mind for three hours. Kinda worried me, you know. Anyway, call me if you need anything.” The bartender placed a napkin down in front of Dan, sliding it towards the empty glass of water he didn’t remember drinking. The brunette noticed the straw was chewed and he felt childish for his nervousness. The napkin had a phone number barely legible, with the name _Phil Lester_ scribbled under it. Dan said a genuine ‘ _thank you’_ and left with the napkin in his hand.

The man could have given Dan the number to hook up with him. But- it was always clear when someone wanted to hook up. That bartender just seemed genuine.

Dan had to remind himself that not _everything_ was about sex or romance, and while he never did have many people to hang out with through his life as just friends, that didn’t mean that someone didn’t want to. He smiled at the thought of having a new friend. It seemed more like a distant dream to Dan.

As the brunette made his way back to his apartment, he debated opening up to a stranger. He contemplated calling Phil, because the black haired man seemed like the type that would care for a stranger's troubles. Dan let himself go for a moment, and he pulled out the napkin and his phone. He typed in Phil’s number, but hesitated above the call button. He was being ridiculous. He had never confided in someone else before- he wasn’t about to start now. Dan endered the number as a contact, and put in Phil’s name with a cactus emoji.

*

It had been a week by the next time Dan went back to the bar. He hadn't payed any mind to the name the first time he visited, and he found the name _Earnest_ oddly fitting- was Phil even the owner? It’s not like he actually _talked_ to the black haired male much in his time there- hence why he was back. He wanted to thank Phil. Dan opened the door to be greeted by the smell of caramel with a hint of alcohol. He looked around the room, and noticed the absurd amount of plants. The space was well lit and had a warm setup, but it still remained bar like. He noticed it had a kitchen and tables for food, making it a restaurant as well. The deep mahogany red that colored the walls complimented the woodwork nicely, and although It was a tight squeeze, it was lovely.

Dan remembered what he was here for and drew his eyes to behind the bar, where he was relieved to see Phil.

The brunette slowly walked over, meaning to slip into a seat unnoticed. His plans were foiled, however, when Phil looked up. “Hey! I was wondering what happened. How are you?” Phil asked genuinely, and Dan was surprised. It sounded like the taller was speaking to an old friend, not a stranger. The bartender immediately got a glass and filled it with water, setting it in front of Dan without him saying anything. The brunette nodded in thanks.

“I’m good, actually. I came by to thank you for last time, it’s been awhile since I met someone so... nice.” Dan says as he sits in the seat directly in front of Phil. The black haired male beamed back, and his smile must be contagious, because soon Dan was smiling shyly back.

“I couldn't not be worried! That girl hit you pretty hard, I mean look at that bruise.” Phil commented, his face morphing into sorrow at the black eye Dan was sporting. He was trying his hardest to forget about the whole endeavour, but he was reminded every time he would emote too much.

“Yeah,” Dan laughed, but it was like a half filled glass. “The swelling finally went down so I figured it was good to come out in public.”

Phil looked like he wanted to say more, maybe ask about why he was punched, but he kept his mouth shut, instead quietly whistling.

“This place is awesome looking, really homey.” Dan commented, because it was true. It made him feel nostalgic, and it was a nice comparison to his normal everyday life. “Do you own this place or just work here?” He took the glass and took a long sip.

“I’m the owner! Bought it when I was twenty-four! I’d always wanted a bar, and when I was looking for locations this small little space spoke to me. It’s done really well since I opened it two years ago, I couldn’t be happier with it.” Phil spoke with a distant smile on his face as he cleaned a glass, and Dan was in awe. Phil spoke like he had dreams, aspirations, and Dan felt insecure about his own life. He had a big social media following, he wouldn’t deny that. But his relevance was based off how many people he was spotted with and speculation about his love life. He had no drive, he had no aspirations. He didn’t have a dream he wanted, he just… _existed._ It was meaningless. Dan suppressed the thoughts, realizing that where he was was not the time to dwell on his misfortunes. Instead he thought of something else to say, and was happily supplied when he overheard people near him talking about the new J. K. Rowling movie.

“Have you seen Fantastic Beasts yet?” He asked, and Phil visibly perked at the mention.

“No, but I really want to! I heard it was amazing!. Have you seen it?” The taller rocked back on his heels, pouring so much expression into his words that Dan was surprised at every turn.

“Same as you actually, I heard the plot was lacking but the rest is really awesome.” Dan recalled what he had heard from countless people, online and in real life.

“Really! We should go see it!” Phil bursts, and Dan’s immediate reaction was to decline. He never hangs out with people he hook- but wait. Phil isn’t someone he knows from _any_ angle. He’s _new_ , but Dan doesn’t know what Phil wants from him. Phil could think it’s a date, he could think it’s the start of some romance and Dan- “Dan?”

He was being stupid. Phil could have just as easily want to just go see a movie. Going to see a film _did not_ mean automatic date. Dan sighed at the fact romance weaseled its way into his every thought. “Yeah! Sounds fun, when are you thinking?” Dan said, staring at the grain in the wood to keep himself from backing out.

“I just have some paperwork to finish, I can be done in a half hour? That is if you wanted to go see it today, we could do another day.” The taller of the two corrected himself.

“Yeah, today would work great!” It’s not like Dan had any work he had to wake up for, and he tended to keep to himself as it was. If he didn’t do it now he probably wouldn’t get around to it. Phil had called over a small girl named Lucy with long brown hair to take over the bar, and he took off the apron Dan hadn't noticed as he waved himself off to the back. Dan ordered a small plate of fries while he waited, and once Phil came back out announcing he was ready, Dan paid. They started walking in the direction of the movie theatre conversing as they went. Phil wasn’t one for small talk, and Dan was grateful for that.

“So what do you do for work?” Phil asked, and when Dan opened his mouth to speak, all Phil heard was a loud squeal.

“Dan!” a young girl’s voice sounded from behind them, and the brunette physically recoiled at what it meant. One of his fans was gonna see him with Phil, and rumors were bound to spread. He turned, putting on the closed mouth smile he always did. What he wasn’t expecting was the gasp that followed. His eyes instantly widened as he ran through his mind at what it could possibly be in response to. “What happened to your eye?” The girl shrieked, and- oh.

Dan laughed at his own idiocy. “I pissed off a girl who has pretty good boxing skills.” He told her, and she nodded in understanding, all the while keeping a look of skepticism over her features.

“Could I get a picture? Sorry for intruding, I just didn’t expect to actually see you, London is so big.”

“Of course!” Dan smiled at the girl’s nervousness. He was just a person, he didn’t see why they freaked out at the chance to meet him or interact with him. They took the picture, during which Dan noticed she was taking a video at the same time. _That’s sure to go on twitter._ He also noticed Phil was leaning against the wall behind them, meaning he was visible in the video. He was gonna have to make a video explaining the black eye now. Or a snapchat story. Or a tweet. As little information he could give. He would do it later, after he saw the movie.

After the girl walked away, he turned to Phil with a nervous smile. “Youtube pays me to make videos on their website- in a total PG kinda way.”

 

Once they sat in the cinema seats, Dan’s nerves kicked in. He sat stiffly, constantly nervous Phil was going to put his arm around the brunette’s seat, or try and hold his hand. Phil had given no signs of intended romance before then, but Dan was still paranoid. During the entire movie, he was focusing on both Phil and the screen, so he _thankfully_ didn’t miss anything from the film. By the ending, Dan had relaxed, convincing himself that Phil wasn’t gonna try any move on him. It was clear the movie was about to come to an end, and Dan was concentrating on the storyline when he heard sniffles from beside him. He whipped his head to the side, eyes wide as he saw Phil wipe a stray tear from his eye. Dan instantly laughed, sure to keep his voice down.

“Are you crying?” Dan whispered to Phil, instantly causing the taller to giggle with his tongue between his teeth. Dan found it endearing, but didn’t have the chance to dwell on it as Phil leaned over to reply.

“Yes, because it’s _sad_.” Phil responded, and Dan would have felt bad about talking if it weren’t for the people directly behind them speaking louder and much more often then they were.

“How old _are_ you?”

“Twenty-six!”

“I think you mean _six_.”

 

Two days later, Phil’s phone binged from his bedside table. He looked at it, scrunching his eyes to read what the text said. It was from a number he didn’t know, but the message itself gave it away.

**'i’m still sobbing over credence'**

Phil laughed a high giggle before saving the contact as Dan.

*

As the bruise on Dan’s face faded, so did his worry about the older. Phil was funny, genuine, and _as far as Dan could tell,_ had no romantic interest in the brunette. It was perfect.

Dan went from oftenly frequenting the bar to calling Phil out of the blue. Then when they had been hanging out a lot between their residencies, he settled for showing up at the older’s house, and Phil couldn’t complain. Months passed, and Dan was comfortable. Over their time together they learned how much they had in common. Dan would still come into the bar and order some fries or a drink. They would laugh and joke, and both of them absolutely loved it. Dan was acutely aware of the fact they were often sneakily spotted by his fans, and he was sure his following knew that Phil was different than the hookups he had. For one, Phil was seen around Dan more than once. Second, they could tell Dan acted more genuine around Phil.

The two of them had currently been planning for them, Phil’s friend PJ, and Louise to get together for a movie night. Both Dan and Phil had insisted that they’d love the others friend, so they decided to make it a conjoined effort.

*

Dan decided PJ was hilarious. Not only did the guy have an amazing speaking voice, but he was utterly wonderful. He had stories, jokes, and pictures of things he’d done that were so enthralling.

Phil absolutely loved Louise from the moment she walked into Dan’s apartment. She let herself in, first off, and then proceeded to announce that she brought alcohol. She was loud like Dan but she had this mother met college student feel about her that Phil adored.

They ended up playing just dance with the Wii Phil brought, and Pj kicked everyone else’s ass. They told funny stories that had all of them laughing, and maybe Dan’s neighbors weren’t too happy with their loudness, but he had never gotten a noise complaint before, so He didn’t really care. The night had just started winding down. PJ just left, saying he had to go see his girlfriend before the end of the night. The now trio bid him farewell with loud goodbye’s. Louise put on Dan’s favorite movie, Treasure Planet. She knew Dan loved the movie with all his heart, and he hummed quietly when he realized it was on. He kept reciting the movie along with the characters, and Phil had to admit- even drunk Dan did an excellent job.

“You know why I love this song? No I meant movie, You know why I love this movie?” Dan asked the other two, and while Louise sounded like she already knew the answer, Phil was intrigued. “It doesn’t have romance as the main plot. The only real romance in it is between Captain Amelia and Dr. Doppler, and the only way it really shows it is them smirking, and then in the end scene they have kids! I love how they make it unimportant, because the movie is about Jim, and it’s a coming of age story, _not_ a love story.”

“I’ve never watched it.” Phil admitted, and he laughed when Dan looked at him like he said he was an alien.

“Pay attention to the movie then! Stop talking to me, watch the movie!” Dan shouted, pointing dramatically at the TV.

As the movie progressed, Phil came to realize why Dan liked it so much. It wasn’t a love story, just as Dan said, but at one point Dan mumbled that he really loved space, and Phil had to agree with him. The movie was amazing.

As the credits rolled, Louise looked over to ask how Phil liked it, and saw a sight she pulled out her phone to take a picture of. Dan was asleep, his head lolled onto Phil's shoulder and his body slumped into the taller. Phil looked pretty tired himself, but he was awake.

“Wow.” Louise stated, and Phil looked at her with his eyebrows furrowed.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Louise sighed. She had thought about bringing it up- asking if they were dating, but instead whatever they had would go undisturbed. “I’ve just never seen him so comfortable with someone other than me.”

“Really? How long have you known him?” Phil asked. He always had friends that he hung out with and he was never really bored at all, despite never having romantic partners. Phil had plenty of friends he felt close with, PJ being one of them.

“We met when we were 15. He was really shy and I was really loud.” She told Phil, and she watched as the black haired man nodded, processing the information with his tipsy brain. “He’s had a rough time trying to find out who he is. He seems to think he has to fall in love with people. I think he’s aromantic, but then again, that’s just me.”

“I’m aromantic.” Phil supplied, and Louise’s eyes smiled before her mouth even did. She rarely missed a beat before speaking again.

“Try and help him, would you? He’s been struggling for so long.” The blonde said sadly, and Phil nodded. He had never had much trouble with coming to terms with his aromanticism. When people talked about how it felt to like people and be in love, he said that he never had any of that stuff. He found the term online one year, and it clicked. That was the end of it. Then again, Phil went through life unfazed by things. Maybe Dan got deterred easily, allowing himself to think he had to do specific things to be normal. Phil had read about aromantic people thinking they were broken until they figured themselves out. He’s read about their struggles through life, and although Phil never had any trouble though his own experience, the thought that maybe Dan _did_ made his heart squeeze.

Louise left shortly after, asking Phil to wake up Dan and help him actually sleep in his _bed_ instead of the couch. After the door shut behind her, Phil decided to wake up the snoring brunette.

He shook the twenty-two year old lightly, which proved to not work. Shaking him harder only got a protesting low groan.

“Dan... hey Dan. Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan, Da-”

“Jesus fuck Phil, I’m sleeping.” Dan growled, sliding down until his head was resting on Phil’s lap- almost in a way to prove his point.

“Yeah, on me. Also on a couch that may seem comfy now but it won’t when you have back pains tomorrow.”

“I’m not _old_ , _I’m_ only twenty-two.”

“ _Ouch._ ” Phil feigned. “I’m so hurt that you called me old by default. Now c’mon, get up and go get in your real bed. I have to go water my plants.”

“You’re gonna leave me for plants?” Dan opened his left eye at that, and stared up at Phil with the same eyebrow raised.

“I could water them tomorrow if you want.” Phil offered.

“Oh! Do you wanna be in a video of mine? You could stay over and we could film it tomorrow?” Dan asked as he sat up, rubbing his eyes like a three year old in the process.

“Sure, what is it gonna be about?”

“I’ll figure that out later.” Dan groaned, leading Phil into his room and flopping down on the bed. “Bed time.”

Phil decided against trying to get Dan to clean up his lounge _before_ he slept, and just crawled into the other side of Dan’s newly bought king sized bed. Although Dan was a handful of inches shorter than Phil, he was glad that the younger had splurged on a bed that could fit both of them.

The next morning, they recorded a video together. Phil had the weird idea of drawing cat whiskers on their face, and the whole video was a rightfully called clusterfuck. When Dan was uploading it, he decided to name it _‘phil is not on fire’_ after his own username. When he was looking through the comments, he noticed everyone seemed to love Phil. Some comments theorized that Phil liked Dan. Tons of people said something about how they looked at each other. A ping of fear ran into Dan’s blood then, and his mind wandered. What if Phil _did_ like him. Dan could try and like him back, But he’s never managed it before, and he didn’t wanna ruin their friendship with that. The more Dan thought about it, the more terrified he got.

No. Dan shouldn’t be thinking like this. Phil didn’t like him and he shouldn’t be letting his subscribers rule over him so easily. It was fine.

*

A week had passed since then, and Dan had stuffed his fears down deep under his gut. He would say he was fine, but he was stressed. The pressure to make a new video was weighing heavily on his shoulders, and every tweet or reply he got was asking for Phil, and he just wanted a moment to think. That day the brunette decided he needed to go grocery shopping, and although Phil offered to go with him, he declined. Dan felt bad at first, but decided he needed a day or two to put his feelings in check. His mood was turned south anyway, he didn’t want to ruin Phil’s. They had hung out the day before anyway, it wasn’t a huge loss.

He arrived at the store, turning off the car while hastily grabbing his phone and wallet. He stepped out into the cold November air, locking the doors as he went. Dan looked both ways before crossing the parking lot. He made his way to the front doors, and as he stepped in, a blast of warm air washed over his body. He monotonously went through aisles as he picked up everything he needed, listening to the music play through the speakers.

Phil didn’t… _like_ him right? It was impossible, completely impossible. Absolutely. But Phil did always have that glint in his eye when he looked at Dan, and even though they were friends, they were closer than most. What if Phil _did_ like Dan? He could ignore it, live out their day to day lives as friends because Dan was not obligated in any way to reciprocate. It’s not like he could even if he wanted to, his life prior had shone him clearly that he was far too broken to ever love someone. But Dan liked what they had. He didn’t want it to be ruined by the prospect of romance. He was happy with how they were.

Dan looked up to realize he had gone through checkout already in his daze. He looked down to his hands to see his phone, wallet, and his bags. Keys. Where were his keys? Dan patted down his pockets, looked in his shopping bags and checked around the store, to no avail. _Fuck_.

Dan ran outside, retracing his steps in hopes to find his keys on the ground. His attempt proved to be futile when he got to his car and turned up empty handed. Dan sighed, resigning himself to his fate. He had a spare key at his apartment, but without his car, he couldn’t _get_ there. Dan’s immediate reaction was to call Louise. She could come pick him up and help him get back to his apartment- but it was a Friday. She was at work all night. Phil _had_ offered to come with him. That meant he was free, right?

On the third ring, Phil picked up the phone. “What’s up?” He responded cheerily, and Dan’s mood lifted slightly. Only slightly.

“I- um, I locked my keys out of my car. Could you possibly come pick me up and drive me back to my apartment to get my spare?” Dan offered, sounding like a teenager. He _would_ do something like lock his keys in the automobile they were designed to run.

“Of course!” There was rustling on the other end. “Where are you?”

 

During the time Dan had waited, he kicked his car tire four times, looked longingly at the warm interior three times, and glared at the car nonstop. Dan felt guilty making Phil do this for him. The older was so kind and stable and had his shit together while Dan was just a stupid dumbass who couldn’t even feel the right way. He was so _pissed off._ Not just at himself, but the world. Fuck the universe for doing this to him, fuck his mind for treating him like shit and fuck his dumbass car for taking his keys. He knew it was his fault, but he could be mad all he wanted at an inanimate object.

Not long after, Phil arrived. Dan instantly took his bags and made a beeline for the passenger seat, shuddering as he got into the warm walls of the car. “Thank you for doing this.”

“No problem. Why don’t you have a jacket?”

“It’s locked in my car.” Dan huffed, and Phil could easily pick up on the younger’s sour mood. The drive remained silent until they got to Dan’s apartment. The brunette could feel Phil following him into the apartment, and he held the doors open behind him. Dan couldn’t stop thinking of everything Phil did in a romantic sense. He wanted to puke because he couldn’t get it out of his head. When Phil spoke, he couldn’t stop himself from blurting out what was on his mind.

“Your fans seemed to like Phil is not on fire, should we make anot-”

“Phil, do you like me?” Dan shot out, turning to face Phil and instantly closing his eyes tightly as he waited for a response.

“Of course I like you, you’re my best friend.”

“No, I mean romantically. Do you like me romantically.”

“No. I never like people like that. I’m aromantic-”

“What’s that mean?” Dan’s eyes shot open wide, and his heartbeat was so erratic he could hear it in his ears.

“It means I don’t experience romantic attraction.”

“Wait, that’s a thing? There are people like that?” Dan spoke, and they both ignored the way his voice cracked while Dan fought to keep his throat from closing. He was stressed, but he was on the verge of relief- in so many forms.

“Yes. Tons.” Phil breathed, and Dan broke.

Dan’s facade crumbled. His breathing was the first to go, leaving his lungs with short gasps of air. He brought his hands up to press the heels of his palms into his eye sockets as tears trekked down his cheeks. Dan’s romantic life was always covered in a veil of sorrow, but never once had he cried over it. Never once did he let his walls down and just weep. Dan was relieved, _so relieved_ but at the same time he was in despair. It was as if his fate had been set in stone, finalizing that he was and would forever be alone. In a world with its foundation dug heel toe into romance, he was someone who had to go without. Dan tried to speak multiple times. It was only once he took a large huff of breath in and held it, listening to his heartbeat for multiple seconds, before he could speak. “You mean I’m not broken? There are people that are like me?” He was aware he sounded like a three year old who needed reassurance that there weren’t monsters in his closet. He couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Phil cried just looking at Dan. His shoulders were brought so close into his own body it looked like he could crumble. His head was hanging into his hands and he was visibly shaking. Even as he had spoke, his posture hadn’t changed, only shaking more under the strain of voicing his thoughts. Phil slowly walked toward the crying boy, gathering him up into his arms. Dan instantly clung to his form, letting all his weight lean on the taller.

“No, you’re not broken at all.”

They stood, cowering in their own little world for minutes. Dan heaved and sobbed into Phils chest, and although he knew it was unsightly, he just couldn’t stop. Phil threaded his fingers through the younger’s hair, toying with the longer ends.

It felt like hours before the two separated. Dan was sniffling, wiping his eyes and nose as they pulled away, but he remained looking down. He was trying to regain his composure, salvage what he could of his pride, but Phil didn’t give him the time.

The older gently took Dan’s jaw in his hands, tilting upwards until he was staring straight into red rimmed chocolate brown eyes that harboured pain in their color.

“You hear me right? You are _not_ broken.” Phil whispered, watching as one last tear escaped the eyes he was staring at.

Dan smiled. A genuine, slightly frayed smile, but it was real.

After going to retrieve Dan’s car, Phil spontaneously decided they needed ice cream. Dan agreed without much protest, and soon they were inside a cute little ice cream shop called _Scoops_.

Maybe they were being loud, but they were the only ones in the shop and the girl behind the counter just watched fondly. Every time Phil would crack a joke, Dan’s face would light up, his lips stretching into a genuine and lovely smile. His eyes were still puffy, but that just gave his giggles a childlike essence to them.

*

Their relationship only grew stronger from there. Although Dan didn’t really open up to people much, he knew that Phil was there if he needed it. He realized from the public eye they looked like a couple, but he was fine with it. They knew where their relationship stood, and that was all that mattered to him. The both were fully aware that they were the closest friend the other had, and they were happy with that. Other’s opinions on their friendship couldn't faze Dan anymore.

They had decided months prior that when Dan’s lease was up he would move into Phil’s apartment. It was big enough for both of them and it had two bedrooms. As Dan had announced to his following that he was moving in with Phil, the rumours started. The shipping took off and every other comment or twitter response was ‘are you and Phil dating?’ Dan would laugh it off, and at first he would tell Phil. But then he noticed the older was getting bothered, and he quickly shut his mouth about it.

Months passed, and even as Dan brewed on the thought, he watched as Phil’s apartment slowly became _theirs._

It was a Saturday night. They had ordered chinese food hours prior, and Phil went to sleep already. Dan was sitting on his bed, scrolling through his computer. The word Phil had said months ago stirred around in his head, so he decided to look it up. Some might have said he was being dumb, taking that long to label himself or even look up the definition of something he allegedly _was._ For years he had told himself he was broken, unfixable and destined to be alone. He was unraveling years of trained thoughts and trying to replace them with positivity. It was a healing process, and it was anything but easy.  He still felt insecure about the whole endeavour, so he tentatively went to the internet to try and console himself.

_Aromantic._

Dan hastily typed in the word on tumblr. The first post that came up was one reminding people to never let others try and dictate their thought process. He smiled, before looking more into it. He didn’t even know the deffinition of aromantic. When typed into google, the first link was from a website called AVEN. He clicked the link and started reading. Every couple seconds he would notice he wasn’t fully paying attention to the words in front of him, so he’d retrace his steps and focus. Eventually he gave up, settling to quietly read outloud to himself. His brows were furrowed and his eyes intent as he read, and as he processed the words, a strong feeling in his chest grew. It was overwhelming, it was warm, nice and comfortable. It felt exhilarating and calming at once, and Dan finally  knew what it felt like to have something _click._ He was aromantic. He was _aromantic._ He was not broken. He was not alone, and he smiled. He felt newly energized, and he was swaying back and forth in his bed. A particular part stuck with him, and he thought it over endlessly.

 _“_ _It is important to note that aromantics do not lack emotional/personal connection, but simply have no instinctual need to develop connections of a romantic nature. Aromantics can have needs for just as much empathetic support as romantics, but these needs can be fulfilled in a platonic way.”_

He smiled, clicking back to the tumblr search for aromantic. The next post he almost laughed at before he got into it. It was about turtles. But the longer he read, the more it made sense. His mood had been uplifted in such a short amount of time, and he smiled.

He sat in his bed, not quite paying attention to the screen anymore, but instead he was looking out the window. He had clicked the _follow_ button on the search anyway, he could look through it later. His eyes swam in and out of focus, but once he came into focus, he noticed he could clearly see the big dipper.

He loved stars. The brunette got up and slowly walked over to the window in his bedroom, not giving his heating bill a second thought as he opened it up and rested his arms on the sill. The sky was a mix of blue and purple, coming together to accent the white twinkle of stars perfectly. He sighed, and shivered at the cold. He wanted to run through the dark streets like he used to when he lived in his family home, but he was in London. There was no wooded areas to run through, let alone streets that would be barren of people. A sad frown found his face before he could think of a solution.

_The roof._

The window was slammed shut and Dan was throwing on a hoodie and shoes before he could give it second thought. He made sure he had his keys to get back in, and made it to the door of his apartment before pausing. He kinda wanted Phil to come with him. Dan left his phone in his room anyway, it’s not like he’d be able to contact Phil until he came back down.

Dan made his way back down their hallway until he was standing in front of both their bedroom doors. He quietly knocked on Phil’s, seeing if the other was awake. When he got no response, he slowly opened the door. Phil’s room was dark, the only light coming from the window, most of it being blocked by the blinds he had pulled down.

Dan stepped in the room, making sure to avoid the noisy parts of the floor. He dropped down next to Phil’s bed, and thought about how to go about waking up the older.

“Phil. Philly. Philip. Phil Lester.” Dan got a groan in response, so he rested his hand on the older’s shoulder and shook him slightly. “Phil.”

“What time is it?”

Dan looked at the clock on the other side of the room. He winced. “2:36”

“Dan, why-”

“You need to come to the roof with me.”

Phil sat up at that, rubbing both his eyes with his fingers while he used the other appendage to steady himself. “Why do we need to go to the roof?” Phil was confused, to say the least. They had been living with each other for a couple months and he was always finding new things out about Dan. Midnight adventures was definitely new.

“Because the stars are pretty and I have something to tell you.” Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, searching for possible panic or any type of distress, but all he could see was brown irises and a glint that resembled the moon. Phil pulled his covers off and got dressed.

The stairs were dark and creepy, but soon they were reaching a door, and Dan was thankful he brought his keys. One- their house wouldn’t get broken into because he locked the doors behind them. Two- the landlord gave him a second key when he heard Dan was moving in. The man had said it leaded to the roof, and Dan was questioning why he hadn’t come up before. The door was stubborn even once it was unlocked, but soon it was opening and there was tons of space that was all used in different ways. The sidelines were covered in plants, and Phil was instantly in awe, walking over to them and examining all the different kinds. There was a grill, tables and chairs, but there were also a couple of sun chairs pushed off into one corner.

“Over here.” Dan motioned, leaning the way. The particular corner was raised higher above the rest, but the half wall that surrounded the rooftop stayed at its original height, making the percentage of falling greater. Dan sat down on one of the reclined chairs, while Phil instantly took advantage, laying down. If it was daytime it would look like he was trying to tan. Phil threw his arm over his eyes, deciding to act aloof until Dan said what he needed to. Phil wasn’t about to pressure something out of someone, especially Dan.

They sat in peace for a long while, Phil laying down, in and out of consciousness and Dan staring at the skyline of London. He turned his head to the right and saw a tower that soared above the buildings. It was thin- a light tower, with three red lights blinking in and out of existence.

“There aren’t even clouds out. Look at the stars, Phil.” Dan leaned back on the chair until he was laying down. He looked over at Phil to see they were mere inches apart. They stared into each other’s eyes, and the intensity was unbearable. It made them both dizzy, but they kept their eyes locked.

“Phil?” He paused, “I’m aromantic.” Dan let the words flow out of his mouth the moment they banged at his vocal cords. It send blood pumping hard, flowing through his veins with a rhythm that resembled drums. He felt a weight lift off him, and he loved the feeling. He had spent years thinking he was broken, and it felt amazing to just be _proud_ of who he was.

“Yeah?” Phil smiled. He knew Dan had been coming to terms with his identity and he felt elated that Dan had accepted himself.

“Yeah.” Dan smiled. The floodgates opened then. He told Phil about how he tried compensating sex for romance, how he mistook the meanings after so many years of misuse. Phil laid still and listened, at one point grabbing Dan’s clenched fists through the bar of his own armrest. When Dan had finished, Phil told Dan he was asexual, and how it took him years to figure it out, even though he had no trouble accepting it- finding something that wasn’t there was difficult. He continued on to told the younger funny stories from when he was little. Dan stared up at the sky until his eyes closed without consent.

When they woke up in the crack of dawn, they shuffled downstairs in a sleep driven daze. Before they separated into their individual bedrooms, they hugged. Longer than the common eye would deem platonic, and closer too. They slept till noon.

*

After he noticed it, Dan would often think and try to figure out _why_ the fact people thought they were dating bugged Phil so much. It didn’t add up. Phil was the one that had no problem cuddling on the couch or holding hands, or even hugging for a long period of time. Why was he getting bothered that people thought they were dating? It was the natural conclusion to come to when two people looked so invested with the other. The world ate romance for every meal, it was impossible to escape the idea. Dan was sitting in the lounge, editing a video when Phil slammed the door shut behind him. The younger jumped, his laptop sliding off his legs onto the sofa.

“Phil?” He asked tentatively. It _was_ the time Phil should have been getting home, but Phil _never_ slammed the door. The thought that it was an intruder crossed Dan’s mind, but he quickly dismissed it. No burglar or murderer would slam the door to a house they were going into. “Phil!” The door to their lounge swung open to reveal a _very_ tired looking Phil. He was in his work clothes, and there were alcohol stains on his light blue button up. “Long day?” Dan said, looking up to meet Phil’s eyes. He looked annoyed. It wasn’t like Dan was scared of the older, he never would be. But Phil was obviously not in a good mood and he didn’t know how to handle it. He had never seen Phil mad before. Maybe a little frustrated, but not _angry._

“Dumbass people were yelling in the bar all fucking night. They wouldn’t leave. One guy even spilt his beer on me.” Dan winced. It didn’t sound fun, and he could tell just how mad Phil was by the swears. “I’m gonna go get changed.” He decided, leaving the room before Dan could respond.

When he came back in, he was in sweatpants and a tshirt with a better mood adorning his shoulders. Dan internally sighed, letting up on his internal filter. He succeeded in making Phil laugh a couple of times, and they settled on putting on an anime as Dan worked. Phil chose the anime _Barakamon_. The show easily stole Dan’s attention away from his work, being one of his favorites. He rewatched it all the time and practically knew the words. He decided to go on twitter to suggest people to watch it. After he hit the send button, he started reading the replies as they came in.

He tweeted about the _anime_ , why was he getting questions about Phil? Only some people were actually talking about the anime, most were bugging him about Phil.

Some deemed that they were married while others asked if they were dating.

Dan had taken notice that Phil got really weird whenever he brought up their speculation. He didn’t know _why_ , but that didn’t make it any better. Dan decided against his better judgment and turned his laptop. “Phil, look at this.”

Phil took Dan’s computer into his lap, scrolling through the comments. Dan watched his composure harden. “Dan-” Phil sighed, but he sounded defeated.

“Why do you always do that when this gets brought up? You’ve been seen around me a lot _and_ you’ve been in videos with me, you can’t expect them not to ship us together.”

“What even is a ‘ship’? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. And what _do_ I _do_?”

“You stiffen up, get all anal and then change the subject!” Dan motioned wildly to Phil’s whole body, ineffectively proving his point.

“Anal?” Phil scoffed. “And who are you to talk? At least I don’t break down at the thought of my best friend liking me!” Phil shouted. He stared at Dan with hard eyes.

“You-” Dan struggled, and Phil realized his mistake.

“Dan,”

“You _know_ that was different. You-” Dan weakly fought, giving up. He made a noise that could only be described as an internal hiss of a scream, and he stood up.

“No, Dan- I’m sorry.”

“Just- just gimme a minute.” Dan walked away with his laptop in hand, silently storming off into his room. He shut the door quietly, so silently the house could be mistaken as vacant. Neither of the two made noises after that. Dan had his headphones in, settling for tumblr. If he continued editing his video he would butcher it, so he tried to calm down.

When on tumblr, Dan couldn’t help but reblog things that represented the mood he was in. Sure, they might have been a little darker that night, but he didn’t expect his fans to be going crazy when he checked twitter again on his phone. Right as he was going to attempt to calm them down, the door to his room opened.

Phil stood in his doorway with wide eyes, holding his laptop in his left hand as his right was on the doorknob. Dan took out his headphones slowly, deciding Phil needed to come up with words on his own.

“I wanted to know what ‘ship’ meant, so I went on twitter and everyone that follows you is saying you’re sad.” Phil haphazardly explained, and he let go of the door handle to rake through his hair. Dan stared at him blankly, waiting for him to finish. It wasn’t as if Dan was mad, _per say._ He was upset- in the parent kinda way. He was disappointed too, but he was tired more than anything, and he didn’t want to waste time on talking when he didn’t have to. “I’m sorry. I let my aggravation from work get the better of me and I spoke off term. I shouldn’t have said that. I just don’t get why you’re okay with the things they say.” Phil looked down, and Dan knew he was going to ramble if he didn’t cut in.

“Phil, the only reason I broke down was _one-_ stress.” He held up his hand to number his thoughts. “And _two-_ we are the only ones that have an effect on what our relationship dynamic is. My fans, they don’t change anything between us unless _we_ let them. You liking me, _that_ could and would have held us back from where we are now. Do you get it now?”

“Yeah.” Phil whispered, walking over to Dan and sitting next to him on the bed. They sat with their legs dangling off the edge and their backs against the headboard. “The only reason I got all serious about it all the time was because I thought it bothered you, so I didn’t want to push you.” Phil said, and Dan laughed at the realization.

“Oh my god we are idiots.” He giggled, and Phil joined in.

“So does this mean I’m forgiven?” Asked Phil, and Dan brought his hand to his chin, pretending to contemplate.

“On one condition.” Dan smirked at Phil and the older cringed, waiting. “Make me a milkshake!”

Phil burst out laughing, nodding. “Okay, your Highness”

*

 

Fantastic Beasts had come out on DVD a couple weeks ago, and Phil decided to have a movie night watching the movie that loved. It had been almost a year since they first met, and it felt almost therapeutic to re-experience the movie.

“Which house are you in?” Phil mindlessly said, running his fingers through the younger's hair. Dan was laying in front of the older, using his shorter height to his advantage. Their bodies were aligned, but they held the same position, so their bodies didn’t conflict in the limited space of the couch. Dans head was resting on a pillow while Phil’s bicep was on the armrest, propping Phil up to see over the younger's head. The older was using his right hand to play with Dan’s hair, slowly moving his fingers through the brunette locks, sometimes twirling a piece. He loved the feeling of the soft curly hair and Dan obviously felt the same, falling asleep more times than they could count. That time was no different.

“Slytherin. What about you?” Dan mumbled and Phil’s hand stopped.

“You’re _not_ a Slytherin! You’re not even evil!”

Dan sat up, turning to look at Phil with a very serious face. “Slytherin’s are _not_ inherently evil, _Phil._ We are cunning, sly and smart. Some of us just happen to be a little more… _bad_ than others.”

“That’s like saying all thumb’s aren't fingers!”

“Phil, that doesn’t make sense!” Dan sighed, smiling when Phil just stuck out his tongue in response. “Well what house are you then?”

“Hufflepuff.” Phil smiled smugly, and he held his pride as Dan bust out laughing.

“Of fucking _course_ you’re a Hufflepuff!”

“Hey!” Phil feigned, lightly tapping Dan on the arm as he settled back down into his spot. Comfortable silence fell over them once again, and they watched the scene. Dan wasn’t paying much attention, instead thinking about how far he’d come in the past year with the help of Phil. It was amazing really, and maybe it wasn’t _all_ Phil, but he certainly made up a large part of it.

“Thank you.” Dan whispered, and he would have wondered if Phil heard if it weren’t for the pause in his breathing.

“For what?”

“For helping me.” Dan sat up for the second time, locking eyes with Phil. “I’ve come really far and learned to accept myself, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that.” Phil stated, moving Dan’s hair out of his face. “Anyone would have done the same.”

“No. I’ve known people all my life that wouldn’t have done that . They’d have just assumed I needed counseling. Maybe its because you’re aro as well but it just worked out, you know? You try to understand instead of assuming there’s something wrong.” Phil opened his mouth a couple of times to try and think of a response, but instead came up empty handed. “So thank you.” Dan tried to contain the smile he was harboring after he said that, but to avail. It broke through, and soon they were both beaming, looking at each other with adoration. Before Dan could lay back down to continue watching the movie, Phil caught his arm.

“Dan, have you ever heard of queer platonic relationships?”

“Yeah, why?” Dan shifted so he was on his stomach.

“Are we in one?”

Dan barely took time to think before he was responding. “I mean yeah, if you think so too. We’re platonic, there’s no romantic attraction, but it’s more than a friendship and less than a standard romantic relationship. It _does_ fall in the queerplatonic category. What do you think?”

“Yeah. I agree, plus I don’t want anything more from a relationship than what I have with you so I couldn’t imagine being with someone else in the same way.” Phil reasoned, looking at the ceiling like it was giving him answers.

“Definitely.” They smiled, and it suddenly seemed like an inside joke. They were so comfortable around each other, so at ease. In that moment Phil decided he believed in soulmates. He watched Dan’s dimple appear as the younger laughed, and love welled up in his chest. It was the familiar kind of love you have for a best friend, a sibling, a parent. It was comfortable and soft.

*

Phil’s nerves were getting to the better of him. He wasn’t nervous about leaving the bar to Lucy- no, she was trustworthy. They were going to visit Dan’s _family_ , and Dan’s mother had been so overjoyed to hear about Phil, to the point that she talked Phil into coming by _herself_ . He was nervous, to say the least. _Dan had said his family was more quiet than his own, what if they didn’t like him? What if he broke some of their plates by accident?_ Phil’s thoughts barely made sense, but that made them all the more scary to him. They were sitting on their train to Wokingham, and Phil’s leg was bouncing a mile a minute. Dan tried conversation to no avail, and they even attempted to play I spy at one point.

“Phil, stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“The leg thing, that lady over there is giving you a dirty look.” Phil looked up when he registered Dan’s words, trying his best to wordlessly say sorry to the lady that was glaring daggers at him. Phil settled for putting one headphone in his right ear and listening to music. Not long after he started the first song, Dan picked up the other headphone and wordlessly put it in his own left ear, continuing his phone browsing.

The train ride ended sooner than Phil would have liked, and without missing a beat they were getting an airport taxi to take them to the Howell family residence.

“Phil stop, you’ll do fine.”

“I can't help being nervous.” Phil confessed, and Dan gave him a look of empathy. He was the same way the first time he met Phil’s parents.

Soon after they pulled up to the Howell house. Dan paid the taxi driver and got out first, retrieving their bags. Phil got out after, bringing his foot forward to step. He let out a loud squeal as his foot caught on the curb and he struggled to catch himself. Dan looked out from behind the trunk door, laughing as he saw Phil floundering.

They made it to dinner before there were any more incidents.

The food had just been set out, and Mrs. Howell called everyone to the table. Dan and Phil had been sitting next to each other on the couch, the lack of space making them squish against each other’s side. Dan had taken notice of his uncle, Theo, staring at them from the corner of his eye. Theo was always grimacing, but Dan couldn't tell if it was because he was angry or not. When he was little, his mum always told him Uncle Theo was actually very nice- but, the older male’s scowl kept Dan away. He hadn't seen the man since he was ten.

They sat down at the table, everyone getting food as small talk filtered through the family. At one point Phil complimented Mrs. Howell’s cooking, and the older woman beamed at him for the compliment. Phil had thought they went through dinner without anything happening when an old man across the table spoke up.

“I always did know you were gay, Dan. Singing the barbie song and spice girls from the age of six.” He croaked, and Phil’s eyes widened. Mrs. Howell instantly dropped her fork, slapping the man on the arm and hissing at him to shut up. Dan’s stature hardened and he slowly set down his fork.

“Although I _am_ bisexual, me and Phil aren't dati-.”

“Bull’s fucking shit.” Uncle Theo hissed, and Phil was floundering to try and catch up with the situation. “I can tell a faggot from a mile away, and you two are definitely the type to shove your gay ass love in other people’s faces.”

“How _dare_ you speak to my son like that!” Mrs. Howell tried to defend, but Theo didn’t flinch.

“If I had love to flaunt, trust me- I would _._ ” Dan scoffed.

“What do you mean, kid.” Theo grumbled, seeming to take interest in Dan’s words.

“I’m aromantic. Meaning I don’t have an interest in romantic relationships or feel romantically. Al-”

“So now you’re gonna sob in a corner alone for the rest of your life instead of just settling down with a woman like you’re supposed to?” Theo smugly took a bite of the chicken in front of him, letting a sly smile crawl onto his lips. Dan practically steamed with how angry he was.

Phil suddenly stood up, not being able to control the words that were begging to escape him. “Pardon my language, but _shut the fuck up_ . You have no _idea_ what Dan’s been through. It was hard for him to come to terms with that, and he doesn’t need you trying to shove things down his throat that will only set him back.” Phil leaned forward, pointing a finger at the old man in front of him. “Just because _you_ can’t understand it,” He poked the man’s chest. “Doesn’t mean it’s not real. Keep your ignorant thoughts to yourself. Me and Dan are not dating, but it’s clear I’m more of a family to him that you’ll ever be.” Phil finished, breathing hard as blood pounded to his ears. He was looking directly into Theo’s eyes the whole time, and he was shocked to see the man’s demeanor change. At first the old man was stunned Phil spoke up, then he got angry. Phil was half expecting Theo to try and choke him. Phil turned to Dan’s mum before he could open his mouth. “Please excuse us Mrs. Howell. The food was delicious.” He nodded at the stunned woman, hoping to every deity that he didn’t overstep a boundary. He grabbed Dan’s hand who immediately got up. At first Phil was leading them down a random hall, not really sure where he was going as he had never been in the house before. Dan pulled them into a room on the right, and quickly shut the door behind him, locking it.

The walls were brown and there were relics from the early 2000’s, quickly giving away the fact that it was Dan’s bedroom before he moved out. Phil walked slowly around the room, looking at the trinkets Dan had as a teenager. As the past five minutes caught up to Phil, he felt guilty all over again. “I’m sorry. I overstepped so many boundaries, I’m sorry I just couldn’t listen to him be so _rude_ -”

“Phil, it’s okay.” Dan looked him in the eyes before holding up Phil’s jacket to him. “He deserved it. Not like I’m close to him either way.” They were staying for two days, so Dan had brought the luggage into the room once they had arrived. There was only a double bed in the room, but with all the guests being over for the family gathering, every other option was taken. It wasn’t like Dan was gonna let Phil out of his sight for the rest of the trip anyway, now that he knew Theo had it out for them.

“Where are we going?” Phil asked, tilting his head to the side as he took the jacket and put it on. He watched as Dan walked over to the window, opening it and looking around the room for a couple seconds. His eyes brightened when he saw a short metal pole that could fit in the palm of his hand, picking it up as he started climbing through the space.

“For a walk.” Dan said as he was halfway out. His legs were in the dark March air, his torso bent back and his head looking up at Phil. He curtly nodded, and then his head disappeared as he slipped through. “C’mon through.”

Phil did his best to replicate Dan’s movements, only banging his shoulder on the side of the frame. Once he was out, Dan walked back up to  the window, setting the metal pole in the sill, slightly sticking out on their side, and leaving the screen open as he shut the glass. The rubber sealant molded around the pole, cutting off any more cold air from getting into the room. “It locks when that side touches the bottom. That’s gonna keep it open so we can get back in.” He turned to Phil with a triumphant look, his eyes shut as he smiled with his mouth closed. His dimple showed, so Phil poked it.

“I’m guessing you did that a lot.” Phil motioned to the window, following the younger as he started walking around the side of the house.

“Walks were my _favorite_. Dan practically groaned. “There’s this street that's overgrown and not used much. At night it’s beautiful.” Dan stuck his hands in his pockets as they got to the street. “One night I was having trouble so I just went for a walk. I was seventeen then.  Soon enough I started using my window instead of the front door.” Dan spoke, and Phil hummed in response. When he was a teenager, his bedroom window led to the roof so he was always climbing out to sit and think. His family moved out of that house a couple years prior, leaving him with only the faint memories.

Soon they were walking down a street that reeked of creepy vibes, and Dan visibly lit up. “God I missed this street.” Dan sighed. Phil looked around, eventually settling with his head facing up, and he saw the big dipper directly above him. He didn’t have time to dwell on it though, because Dan lightly tapped his arm. Once they made eye contact, a smile found Dan’s face. “Race you!” He yelled, and he was off. Phil was confused for a moment before springing to action, chasing after Dan who was only ahead of him by around ten feet. They flew down the street, not stopping for the howling they heard or the screeching of crows. In the blur of darkness, it looked almost as if the greenery around them had come alive and was running with them. The dimension in the trees that would have symbolized leaves while stationary now looked like snakes of vines chasing them down the long and windy road. A smile broke out on Phil’s face. He could see how someone would get addicted to that.

Just as Phil’s lungs started to burn, Dan slowed down. Phil followed suit, and soon they came to a stop. Phil took a second to breathe, trying to restore his lungs. Maybe he should go to the gym. Once he was done, he turned and took notice of Dan facing to his right. In front of them was a huge corn field. In the middle was a gigantic tree that looked at _least_ fifty years old. There were vines covering the entire thing, hanging off at every branch. It looked almost cartoon like, and it reminded Phil of the hill in the graveyard of _The Nightmare Before Christmas._ The corn was all cut short due to the fact it was still cold, and the stocks were dried out and hard. Dan started walking into the field, unfazed by the fact he ran _at least_ a mile, maybe two. They walked through the open ground, and every once and awhile they would hear rustling that would spook Phil, but overall they continued on unfazed. Once they made it to the middle of the field, Phil laid down in between the rows of corn. He looked up at the sky, seeing so much more now that the tree’s weren’t in the way. He spotted brighter lights that must have been planets, although he didn’t know which ones.

“Y’know,” Dan started, but Phil didn’t tear his eyes away from the stars. “I would have been terrified to tell them any of that. Well I mean, my mum already knew I was bisexual. No one else did. I just came out to my entire family. I never would have told them all that a year ago, when we first met.” Dan breathed out, only briefly thinking about what negative effects his family knowing could have on his life. Here he was, acting like he did as a teen. He was running down the same street he loved, in the same field. It had only been six years, but instead of the sorrow tinted life he had when he was younger, now it was filled with happiness, life- dare he say _love._ He was only twenty-three. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, even though he sure as hell felt like it, but he wasn’t old. He wasn’t a child, but still less than an adult. He was content, _proud_. “I love the fact I’m aromantic. Hell- that’s the first time I’ve ever said it outloud. I’m proud of who I am.”

“Im proud of _you_.” Phil said, because it was true. He was. Phil tried to dwell on the thought longer but Dan got up and started running again, so Phil chased him. He followed Dan all the way to the top of the tree without hesitation, where they sat on a sturdy branch and watched the stars.

 

They didn’t go back to the house for another three hours.

*

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! if you've made it this far, you deserve a prize. This is my first fic longer than 5k, and it turned out to be a 15k. Its my baby, my child, and i love it very much. I'm pretty sure i wanted to say more than this but my brain is basically shut down. Ive dedicated all my free time for the last week and a half to this fic, and it definitely took its toll. 
> 
> if you didn't know, i have both a twitter and a tumblr. 
> 
> http://eastcoastethan.tumblr.com
> 
> https://twitter.com/nebulaend
> 
>  
> 
> If you'd like to follow me on either or talk to me, then feel more than free to do so! i always reply, and if you'd like you can send me prompts! you can send them on any of the three and i will do them!!!
> 
> remember, feedback is better than cocaine!
> 
>  
> 
> side note: here are the posts that Dan saw in the tumblr scene:
> 
> http://aroacepositivityplace.tumblr.com/post/156424781451/reminder-to-try-to-not-let-small-minded-people-get
> 
> http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic
> 
> http://dragonheartftherpays.tumblr.com/post/154255993369/pinkdiamondprince-pinkdiamondprince-trying


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